In the sprawling, exhaust-fumed theater of the Long Island Expressway—a place where the laws of man and physics are merely polite suggestions—a hero has emerged to remind us that even the pointiest of 'fuzzballs' deserves a VIP escort. John Debacker, a man clearly possessing either the courage of a lion or a very high tolerance for prehistoric rabies, spotted what the internet calls a 'helpless animal' and what biologists call a 'hissing nightmare-rat with fifty teeth.'

While most commuters view the median as a graveyard for hubcaps and shattered dreams, Debacker saw a destiny. He dived into the fray, risking life and limb to secure a creature whose primary defense mechanism is literally pretending to be a rotting corpse. It’s a bold survival strategy, certainly, but one that apparently earns you a first-class ticket to a nearby park and a featured slot on the digital fireplace of animal sentimentality.

The most staggering revelation in this saga isn't the rescue itself, but the claim that 'no one honked.' In New York? On a highway? This suggests that either the opossum was radiating a localized field of zen-like tranquility, or every driver within a five-mile radius was simultaneously distracted by a particularly compelling TikTok of a sourdough starter. Usually, a three-second delay at a green light results in a cacophony that can be heard in New Jersey; yet, for a towel-wielding man chasing a marsupial, the city that never sleeps apparently took a collective nap.

“In that moment, the screeching of tires became a symphony of silence, or perhaps everyone was just texting.”

---

After a high-stakes towel-deployment maneuver that would make a matador weep, our protagonist whisked the opossum away. We can only imagine the creature’s confusion, being plucked from the adrenaline-pumping thrill of 'The Gauntlet of Certain Death' and dropped into a tranquil park where the only things to eat are discarded organic kale stems and the occasional artisanal pretzel nub.

Debacker reports a 'great feeling' following the ordeal. We salute you, John. You saved a fuzzball, silenced the New York horn-chorus, and provided the world with enough wholesome content to power the internet's 'd’aww' reflex for another six hours. May your towels always be thick and your medians always be filled with appreciative, non-biting rodents.

Disclaimer: This article is a satirical interpretation and not factually based. It was inspired by the narrative found at https://www.thedodo.com/man-pulls-over-on-the-highway-when-he-notices-a-tiny-fuzzball-on-median.